Funny Quotes About Love and Alcohol

These funny drinking quotes are sure to put you 'under the influence' of good humor. Share them with friends to add to the merriment at your next cocktail party or get together at the bar.

Funny drinking quotes for a good laugh

You'll enjoy these drinking quotes from famous comedians, actors, authors, and politicians.

1.) Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
– Drew Carey

2.) I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.
– Chelsea Handler

3.) When you march the streets shouting with people it's civil disobedience, but do it drunk by yourself & it's an involuntary 72-hour hold.
– Conan O'Brien

4.) I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

5.) A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk', to which I replied 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly.
– Winston Churchill

6.) I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because they would make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish.
– Anne Lamott

7.) They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.
– Stephen Colbert

8.) The best research for playing a drunk is being a British actor for 20 years.
– Michael Caine

9.) I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
– Dean Martin

10.) If I cannot drink bourbon and smoke cigars in heaven then I shall not go.
– Mark Twain

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More laugh-out-loud sayings

11.) A woman drove me to drink, and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
– W.C. Fields

12.) Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
– Ernest Hemingway

13.) In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
– Benjamin Franklin

14.) Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.
– Steve Martin

15.) We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort, it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well-made cocktail.
– David Sedaris

16.) I drink Champagne when I win, to celebrate.
And I drink Champagne when I lose, to console myself.
– Napoleon Bonaparte

17.) Laugh whenever you can. Keeps you from killing yourself when things are bad. That and vodka.
– Jim Butcher

Short quotes

Here are some very short drinking quotes that are easy to remember.

18.) He that drinks fast, pays slow.
– Benjamin Franklin

19.) I drink to make other people more interesting.
– Ernest Hemingway

20.) 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
– Stephen Wright

21.) Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
– Benjamin Franklin

22.) To my credit, I've never gotten "buy a ukulele" drunk.
– Conan O'Brien

23.) I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
– W.C. Fields

24.) Either give me more wine or leave me alone.
– Rumi

25.) Good people drink good beer.
– Hunter S. Thompson

26.) My dad was the town drunk. Usually that's not so bad, but New York City?
– Henny Youngman

27.) I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
– Winston Churchill

28.) Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
– Frank Sinatra

29.) To alcohol! The cause of… and solution to… all of life's problems.
– Matt Groening

30.) I don't have a drinking problem 'Cept when I can't get a drink.
– Tom Waits

More short drinking sayings

31.) Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.
– G.K. Chesterton

32.) Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.
– Seneca

33.) There's nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation.
– John Candy

34.) Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
– Catherine Zandonella

35.) Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
– W.C. Fields

36.) One more drink and I'll be under the host.
– Mae West

37.) Two great European narcotics, alcohol and Christianity.
– Friedrich Nietzsche

38.) It provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.
– William Shakespeare

39.) Aye, but today's rain is tomorrow's whiskey.
– Scottish Proverb

40.) Drinking is fun! It makes me feel horrible and sexy!
– Warren Ellis

41.) I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
– Dorothy Parker

Check out these fun and interesting beer quotes.

Drinking quotes for friends

42.) There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
– Chelsea Handler

43.) The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
– William Butler Yeats

44.) I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.
– Dorothy Parker

45.) An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
– Ernest Hemingway

46.) A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it's better to be thoroughly sure.
– Czech Proverb

47.) It's a great advantage not to drink among hard-drinking people.
– F. Scott Fitzgerald

48.) People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.
– Ann Landers

49.) If you ever know a man who tries to drown his sorrows, kindly inform him his sorrows know how to swim.
– Pittacus Lore

You'll enjoy these wine quotes, sayings, and captions.

Famous drinking quotes from movies

Some of the best drinking quotes come from our favorite movies. Here is a list of some memorable movie lines.

50.) That's what I do. I drink and I know things.
– Peter Dinklage in Game of Thrones

51.) Life is short, but marriage is long, so drink up, and it will make it go a hell of a lot faster.
– Shirley Maclaine in Rumor Has It

52.) Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.
– Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca

53.) Don't be such a square. Everybody who's anybody drinks.
– Lea Thompson in Back to the Future

54.) Beer is for breakfast, 'drink or be gone.
– Bryan Brown in Cocktail

55.) Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes.
– Rodney Dangerfield in Back To School

56.) There's a special rung in hell reserved for people who waste good scotch.
– Michael Fassbender in Inglourious Basterds

57.) God, I'd give anything for a drink. I'd give my god-damned soul for just a glass of beer.
– Jack Nicholson in The Shining

58.) Listen up, I'm only gonna say this once. I ain't your buddy. When I ask for a drink, you say, "Ice with that, sir?". Now, let's begin again. A double Irish.
– Jason Stathom in Blitz

59.) Start 'em off with a single, then a double, then a triple, then back to a double, and back to a single. You want 'em drunk enough to get their credit card then sober enough to sign the check.
– Jennifer Lopez in Hustlers

60.) I am not gonna die sober!
– Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street

More great movie quotes

61.) Let us put more of this liquid into our bodies.
– Dave Bautista in Guardians of the Galaxy

62.) You would drink, too, if you knew the world half as well as I do.
– Hugh Jackman in The Prestige

63.) My dear girl, there are some things that just aren't done, such as drinking Dom Perignon '53 above the temperature of 38 degrees Fahrenheit.
– Sean Connery in Goldfinger

64.) I'm very drunk and I intend on getting still drunker before this evening is over.
– Clark Gable in Gone with the Wind

65.) I drink because I am a sensitive and highly strong person.
– Goldie Hawn in The First Wives Club

66.) Hard to like a man who doesn't drink a little.
– Jeremy Irons in Appaloosa

67.) Everyone who drinks is not a poet. Some of us drink because we're not poets.
– Dudley Moore in Arthur

68.) I'll have a single shot of whiskey, and a double shot of whiskey and she'll have a water. Oh, what the hell, it's our anniversary. Bring her a Pepsi.
– J.D. Evermore in Waiting

Check out more famous whiskey quotes and sayings here.

69.) For relaxing times, make it Suntory time.
– Bill Murray in Lost In Translation

70.) You know how I feel about my grandmother but I'd sell her for a drink.
– Frank Sinatra in High Society

71.) Gimme a whisky, ginger ale on the side, and don't be stingy, baby!
– Greta Garbo in Anna Christie

72.) Drinking and driving don't mix. That's why I ride a bike. (holding a juice box)
– Jon Cryer in Pretty In Pink

Philosophical drinking quotes

73.) A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world.
– Louis Pasteur

74.) First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.
– F. Scott Fitzgerald

75.) Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of the standardism of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you're allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It's like killing yourself, and then you're reborn. I guess I've lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now.
– Charles Bukowski

76.) There can't be good living where there is not good drinking.
– Benjamin Franklin

77.) There comes a time in every woman's life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne.
– Bette Davis

78.) I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.
– Edgar Allan Poe

Check out these interesting martini quotes and captions.

More thoughts on drinking

79.) War and drink are the two things man is never too poor to buy.
– William Faulkner

80.) After the first glass, you see things as you wish they were. After the second, you see things as they are not. Finally, you see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.
– Oscar Wilde

81.) For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity or perception to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable: intoxication.
– Friedrich Nietzsche

82.) Liquor is the chloroform which enables the poor man to endure the painful operation of living.
– George Bernard Shaw

83.) I began to think vodka was my drink at last. It didn't taste like anything, but it went straight down into my stomach like a sword swallowers' sword and made me feel powerful and godlike.
– Sylvia Plath

You might also enjoy these coffee quotes and sayings.

Let's have another! (Bonus quotes)

He was a wise man who invented beer.
Plato

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman

Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
Pope John XXIII

Too much of anything is bad, but too much Champagne is just right.
F. Scott Fitzgerald

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E Ellis

Here's to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life.
F. Scott Fitzgerald

Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.
Joan Collins

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
Ogden Nash

There is no bad whiskey. There are only some whiskeys that aren't as good as others.
Raymond Chandler

Of course size matters. No one wants a small glass of wine.
Unknown

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Kinky Friedman

I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.
George Best

A man is a fool is he drinks before he reaches the age of 50, and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
Frank Lloyd Wright

This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought.
Samuel Johnson

One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough.
James Thurber

Funny drinking captions for Instagram

These short lines are perfect for adding to social media posts like Instagram when you're kicking back with a drink and looking to share your moment with the world.

• I told myself that I should stop drinking. But I'm not about to listen to a drunk that talks to himself.
• Anything you can do, I can do drunker.
• Instant fun – just add alcohol.
• I'm sure "drunk me" had their reasons.
• Drink like a fish because I'm a mermaid.
• Safety first. Drink with a nurse.
• Driveway drinker.
• I'm not tipsy. I've only had tee martoonies.
• You look like I need a drink.
• I doubt vodka is the answer but it's worth a shot.
• Drink. Drank. Drunk.
• Partners in wine.
• I would rather be day drinking.
• Step aside coffee this is a job for alcohol.
• Dear liver, It's the weekend. Sorry little buddy.
• Save water drink beer.
• I followed my heart and It led me to alcohol.
• She's my drunker half.
• Trust me, you can dance – Alcohol
• Drink, pee, repeat.
• Surprise I'm drinking.
• I blame all my bad decisions in life on tequila.
• You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
• This beer tastes a lot like I'm not going to work tomorrow.
• Frunk as duck!

Clever captions continued

• Not to get technical, but according to chemistry alcohol IS a solution.
• Save water – drink beer!
• I can wine all I want, I'm retired.
• I only drink beer 3 days a week: yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
• Life happens. Wine helps.
• To me 'Drink responsibly' means don't spill it.
• Drinks well with others.
• Whiskey helps.
• May contain alcohol.
• Lips that touch liquor touch other lips quicker.
• If life gives you lemons, add vodka.
• I love drunk me but I don't trust that bitch.
• A party without alcohol is just a meeting.
• Warning: The girls are drinking again.
• Drunk lives matter.
• I said no to alcohol, but it just doesn't listen.
• Wine not?
• You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.
• Irish you would beer me.
• Alcohol is cheaper than a psychiatrist
• Irish I were drunk. (Just kidding — I'm actually extremely drunk.)

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We hope you enjoyed these funny drinking quotes. For more fun, check out these other drinking lists:

Toasts for Drinking

The Bloody Mary: Start Your Day Off Right

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